sherrocked:

My dad just yelled “I SWEAR I’LL CUT OFF WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY COKE DON’T YOU DARE” and I came in the room like what the fuck and it was my dad holding up a shoe and my cat sitting by a glass of coca-cola with his paw almost touching inside of it and both of them didn’t even break eye contact with each other

  • my dad: growing up is hard
  • my dad: first you believe in santa
  • my dad: then you don't believe in santa
  • my dad: then you are santa
  • my dad: then you look like santa

coffeebuddha:

coffeebuddha:

All I want in a boyfriend is someone who won’t touch me or talk to me, but who periodically checks in to see if I’m okay and brings me food whenever I ask.

A waiter. I just realized I’m looking for a waiter.